It's been a while since I truly felt happy since I enjoyed what I have or what I am doing. For the last few years, it's just been a struggle to figure out whether it's a nightmare or reality. I've been living in a state of paranoia. Every night is a struggle to fall asleep cuz I don't know with what news I'll wake up. It's not that my life is all full of struggles or very depressing. It might be true that I have actually never felt what true loss or struggle actually means. But I look around and see people grieving real bad and feel that what have I done to have this life. The grief of other people makes me insecure and scared at the same time that I might lose whatever I have cuz life is never too easy for anyone. Every night is a struggle to sleep with the thought that tomorrow morning I might wake up to nothing. There's always a constant fear of losing people. Every time I hug my mom dad or sister I just want to hold them so tight that they never actually go. This is fear is not all bad, with this, I truly value the ones I have, I try to cherish every moment I get and do everything to make them happy. But the thought that this might be my last words to them just clenches my intestines and make me so sick and scared. Every time they leave for work or even when they go to bed I feel insecure cuz they might not wake up tomorrow. Everyone leaves at some point and I know that but why is this so hard to let go? Why can't I enjoy what I have? There are a few moments when I feel happy but then comes the thought that soon these people will be all gone and all I'll be left with are these memories and I know this is the reality but is it this hard to enjoy what I have? Every book, every quote I read tells me to enjoy the moment but still, I am busy worrying about the things which certainly will happen. There are series of nightmares I have and I wake up crying and screaming. Am I this weak that I fear loneliness to this extent or is this the fact that I've been betrayed and left alone so many times that I fear to let go of whoever I have? Always too strong to face the world but struggling with a tornado of internal battles every day. I've got everything I could've asked for still, I've got this grief-stricken soul. Is this our generation that's this sad or me struggling with clinical depression?
