Long Nights

 Life goes on no matter what and all you're left with are regrets. Those regrets gradually turn into resentment, slowly but you learn to live with that. You don't stay in your bed all day, it seems everything is back to normal, but sometimes you lay wide awake in your bed thinking about all things you could've done, all things you wanted to say but nothing makes sense anymore cuz it's all long gone yet here you are still stuck. Now the video of 'The Scientist' starts to play in your head but no matter how hard you try you can't remember the lyrics so you turn to your mobile searching through every possible song and 'wicked games' start to play and now your legs are turning cold, the knots in your stomach tightens, you can feel every lyric penetrating like glass rod to your heart, your head is all dizzy and before you know you're weeping, those sobs wanting to turn to loud cries, so you go to the washroom, turn on the tap and let go of all the weight your heart was holding of, you gasp for air, shiver, curl your knees between your arms and cry for hours, then you get up and look yourself in the mirror, you're not weeping anymore, maybe laughing, that pity laughs, you can't believe of what a mess you've made of yourself. You know people leave and there's nothing you can do about it but still, it aches, why the fuck it aches so much? you were never supposed to get to this point? What did actually happen, you can't think of anything, all the months you've spend coping up looks all blur to you, you get up and crawl back into your bed with thoughts about how you were gonna move to Paris and rent a nice studio apartment, for the moment it all looks real before you know you're decorating your apartment with him, it all looks as it is meant to be, and then you hear your dad calling you to wake up and that's when it hits you that you went to sleep and all good was a dream. You get up, bury the solemn in your heart hug your dad with the biggest smile you own, get back to life cuz none needs to know the nights you go through. But you are again back with that insomniac night, it's like you're running in circles. Same mistakes, same regrets every damn time. It's like the first paragraph of 'fix you' but your Chris Martin never comes to complete your song.

Grief Stricken Soul

 It's been a while since I truly felt happy since I enjoyed what I have or what I am doing. For the last few years, it's just been a struggle to figure out whether it's a nightmare or reality. I've been living in a state of paranoia. Every night is a struggle to fall asleep cuz I don't know with what news I'll wake up. It's not that my life is all full of struggles or very depressing. It might be true that I have actually never felt what true loss or struggle actually means. But I look around and see people grieving real bad and feel that what have I done to have this life. The grief of other people makes me insecure and scared at the same time that I might lose whatever I have cuz life is never too easy for anyone. Every night is a struggle to sleep with the thought that tomorrow morning I might wake up to nothing. There's always a constant fear of losing people. Every time I hug my mom dad or sister I just want to hold them so tight that they never actually go. This is fear is not all bad, with this, I truly value the ones I have, I try to cherish every moment I get and do everything to make them happy. But the thought that this might be my last words to them just clenches my intestines and make me so sick and scared. Every time they leave for work or even when they go to bed I feel insecure cuz they might not wake up tomorrow. Everyone leaves at some point and I know that but why is this so hard to let go? Why can't I enjoy what I have? There are a few moments when I feel happy but then comes the thought that soon these people will be all gone and all I'll be left with are these memories and I know this is the reality but is it this hard to enjoy what I have? Every book, every quote I read tells me to enjoy the moment but still, I am busy worrying about the things which certainly will happen. There are series of nightmares I have and I wake up crying and screaming. Am I this weak that I fear loneliness to this extent or is this the fact that I've been betrayed and left alone so many times that I fear to let go of whoever I have? Always too strong to face the world but struggling with a tornado of internal battles every day. I've got everything I could've asked for still, I've got this grief-stricken soul. Is this our generation that's this sad or me struggling with clinical depression?